Speed Dating Tips: How to Make the Most of Your Night

What Does Success at Speed Dating Actually Mean?

It is easy to approach speed dating as though the goal is to impress as many people as possible, but that mindset usually creates unnecessary pressure. You are not trying to win the room. A better aim is to have a series of genuine, relaxed conversations, notice who you feel comfortable around, and give other people enough of the real you to make the same decision.

A successful evening does not require every conversation to go brilliantly. Some people will immediately feel easy to talk to, while with others there may be little common ground - that is fine. It is all part of the process rather than evidence that you are doing anything wrong.

Instead of asking yourself, “How do I get more people to like me?”, it is more useful to think about whether you are giving each person your full attention, helping the conversation feel natural, showing enough of your own personality and noticing who you would genuinely like to speak to again.

That is a much more useful definition of how to succeed at speed dating.

If you are curious about what has happened for some previous attendees after an event, you can also read our speed dating success stories.

Before the Event: Prepare Enough to Feel Comfortable

Good preparation should help you to feel relaxed, not turn the evening into a performance. A little thought beforehand can help you arrive feeling settled without making the night feel rehearsed before it has even begun.

Check the event details

Before setting off, make sure you have checked the details for the particular event you booked, including the venue, start time and any event-specific age range or format.

Do not rely on assumptions based on another speed dating night you have attended or something you have read online.

Events can differ, so the relevant listing and the host's instructions on the night should be your guide.

If you would like to get a feel for the kinds of settings used for our events, you can also browse our speed dating venues.

Plan to arrive without rushing

Turning up flustered because you have been looking for parking, missed a train or underestimated the walk from the station is not the ideal way to begin.

Work out how you are getting there beforehand and give yourself reasonable time to arrive, check in and get comfortable.

You do not need to spend half the evening waiting at the venue, but avoiding a last-minute sprint can make the first few conversations much easier.

Wear something that feels like you

There is no single correct speed dating outfit.

Aim for clothes that suit you, make you feel good about yourself and allow you to stop thinking about what you are wearing once the evening begins.

Making an effort is good. Dressing like a completely different person is not, particularly if it stops you feeling relaxed.

Do not use alcohol as your confidence strategy

If you choose to drink, remember that the point of the evening is to have a number of short conversations and make decisions about people you have only just met.

A drink may be part of a normal night out for you, but relying on alcohol to overcome nerves can make it harder to listen properly, remember conversations and judge how you actually felt around someone.

Confidence built from being prepared is more useful than confidence borrowed from the bar.

How to Have Better Speed Dating Conversations

You do not need to be exceptionally witty or naturally outgoing to have a good speed dating conversation. What matters more is giving the other person something to respond to, listening to what comes back and allowing the conversation to develop rather than trying to control every minute of it.

Prepare conversation ideas, not a script

One of the most common first-time worries is: What if I have nothing to say?

You do not need to memorise twenty questions. In fact, doing so can make a speed date feel like an interview.

Instead, arrive with a few broad subjects you would be comfortable talking about yourself. For example:

• something you enjoy doing outside work;
• a place you have recently visited or would like to visit;
• something you are looking forward to;
• food, music, films, sport or other interests that genuinely matter to you;
• something interesting or funny that has happened recently.

Then think of a few questions that could open up those subjects with somebody else.

Questions such as “What do you like doing when you get a free weekend?” or “Is there anywhere you've been meaning to visit?” give the other person room to answer in their own way.

The exact wording matters much less than what you do with the answer.

If you want more inspiration before the event, see our separate guide to questions to ask when speed dating. You do not need to work your way through it on the night; use it to find the kinds of questions that suit your own personality.

Make a good first impression without trying too hard

Speed dating gives both people limited time, so the beginning of each conversation matters. That does not mean you need a theatrical entrance.

A warm greeting, a smile and your full attention are a perfectly good start.

Try to avoid looking around the room to see who is coming next, checking your phone or appearing distracted while somebody is talking to you.

Even if you are nervous, showing that you are interested in the conversation happening now is more important than appearing effortlessly confident.

Natural eye contact can help too, but there is no need to turn it into a technique.

Looking at someone when they are speaking, responding to what they say and allowing yourself to smile or laugh naturally is enough.

The aim is not to manufacture chemistry. It is to create the conditions in which you can both notice whether any chemistry is there.

The best conversations are not question-and-answer sessions

A good speed date usually feels like a conversation rather than two people taking turns to complete a questionnaire.

A useful pattern is:

Ask → listen → follow up → share.

Imagine somebody tells you they have recently taken up climbing.

You could immediately jump to your next prepared question. Or you could ask what made them start, listen to the answer, then share something relevant about yourself.

That creates a thread.

The same principle works even when you know very little about the subject. You do not need to be a climber yourself to ask what they enjoy about it.

Follow-up questions are particularly useful because they show that you heard what the other person actually said rather than simply waiting for your next turn to speak.

Make sure they get to know you as well

Listening matters, but a date in which you only ask excellent questions can still leave the other person knowing almost nothing about you.

Try to keep some balance between curiosity and self-disclosure.

If you ask someone about travelling, for example, be prepared to say something about places you have loved or would like to visit too. If they talk about their hobbies, share one of yours when it fits naturally.

You do not need to tell your life story.

A few specific details are often much more memorable than a long autobiography.

Instead of saying, “I like music”, you might mention the type of gigs you enjoy or something you recently went to see. Instead of “I like going out with friends”, you could mention the pub quiz your team never seems to win.

Specific details give another person something to respond to.

Avoid turning the conversation into an interview

There is a difference between showing interest and interrogating somebody.

Rapidly moving through questions such as where they live, what they do, how long they have been single, whether they want children, where they went to university and where they see themselves in five years can make a very short conversation feel surprisingly long.

Some of those subjects may genuinely matter to you.

The problem is not necessarily the topic; it is the feeling that the other person is being assessed against a checklist.

Let the conversation breathe.

If an answer opens up an interesting subject, stay with it for a while rather than worrying that you have not reached question number six.

You are trying to discover whether you would enjoy another conversation together, not complete the entire compatibility assessment there and then.

Keep personal boundaries in mind

Speed dating is a chance to meet new people, not an obligation to answer every question you are asked.

You can be open without discussing anything that makes you uncomfortable.

The same courtesy applies in the other direction. Avoid pushing for highly personal information just because there is limited time.

Subjects involving previous relationships, sex, money, health, family circumstances or other sensitive matters may be perfectly natural in some conversations and unwelcome in others.

Pay attention to how the other person responds.

You do not need a rigid list of forbidden topics. You do need enough social awareness to recognise when somebody would rather move on.

When the Conversation Doesn't Go to Plan

Not every speed date will flow naturally from beginning to end. A pause, an awkward opening or a lack of immediate chemistry does not mean the evening is going badly; the important thing is how you respond and whether you allow one difficult conversation to colour the next one.

What if you run out of things to say?

Occasional pauses are normal. They feel much longer when you are nervous than they usually are.

If your mind goes blank, do not panic and start firing questions at random.

Return to something simple:

• ask about something the person has already mentioned;
• ask what they enjoy doing away from work;
• talk about the venue or the evening;
• ask what they have been looking forward to recently;
• pick up a shared interest you discovered earlier in the conversation.

You can also acknowledge the situation with a little humour if that feels natural to you.

Both of you know you are speed dating. There is no requirement to pretend this is an entirely ordinary way to meet.

A short pause will not ruin a promising conversation. Becoming so worried about the pause that you stop listening might.

What if you know quite quickly that there is no spark?

Not every conversation will lead anywhere, and you do not need to force one that plainly is not working.

You can still be friendly.

Keep talking, ask something easy, listen to the answer and treat the other person with the same courtesy you would want in return.

What matters particularly at a speed dating event is not carrying one difficult conversation into the next one.

When it ends, reset.

The next person has had nothing to do with the awkward conversation you have just experienced.

Give them a fresh start.

Do not try to become the person you think your date wants

Trying to optimise every answer is exhausting.

If somebody loves an activity you dislike, you do not need to pretend you have always wanted to try it. If your weekends are usually quiet, you do not need to invent an action-packed social calendar. If you have an unusual hobby, you do not need to make it sound more conventional.

Of course, a speed date is not the time to reveal every private detail about yourself.

But there is a big difference between being selective and being false.

The purpose of the evening is to find potential mutual interest. Presenting a version of yourself designed to appeal to everybody works against that purpose.

You want somebody to be interested in meeting you again.

Be careful about writing someone off too quickly

Speed dating is built around first impressions, but a first impression does not have to answer every question.

You may meet somebody who is instantly charming. You may also meet somebody who starts nervously and becomes more interesting as the conversation develops.

Try not to judge the entire person on one slightly awkward opening sentence, a moment of silence or the fact that they did not immediately ask the perfect question.

Likewise, you do not need fireworks to consider seeing somebody again.

One useful test is: Would I enjoy having a longer conversation with this person?

That is a much easier question to answer than “Could this be my future partner?”

Speed dating is an introduction. A potential next date is where you can find out more.

Pace yourself across the whole evening

One enjoyable conversation can leave you excited and one difficult conversation can knock your confidence, but neither needs to dominate the rest of the night. Treat each new conversation as its own encounter and give the next person the same attention you gave the first.

At Ditch or Date events, you are given a few moments between rounds to make notes, so use that time to jot down whatever brief reminders you need while the conversation is still fresh. Focus on useful reminders rather than writing a detailed review of somebody. After several introductions, surprisingly obvious details can start to blur together, so the point is simply to give yourself enough information to make your later decisions.

How Should You Choose Who You Want to See Again?

Once the conversations are over, it can be tempting to become more analytical than you were during the actual dates. Try instead to return to the basic purpose of the evening: noticing the people you would genuinely like to know better.

Think about who made you curious, who you enjoyed talking to and who you would happily spend longer with if the conversation had not been timed. It can also be useful to notice who made you feel comfortable enough to be yourself. You are not selecting a life partner on the spot; you are simply deciding whether another conversation would appeal to you.

There is also no need to choose somebody purely because you think they are likely to choose you. The useful outcome is mutual interest, not collecting the highest possible number of selections.

Ditch or Date has a separate explanation of what to do after the event and how selections are processed in How Matches Work. Keeping that process separate allows you to concentrate on the people while you are actually meeting them.

Nervous About Your First Speed Dating Event?

Nerves before your first speed dating night are completely understandable. You are choosing to walk into a room and have a series of conversations with people you have never met, but you do not need to eliminate those nerves before you can enjoy yourself. A smaller objective can be much more useful: for the first few conversations, simply listen properly, ask one genuine question and share something about yourself. 

Once the event gets going, the format itself gives you something to work with. You do not have to approach strangers and work out whether they want to talk to you; you are both there for the same basic reason: to meet people. If you are anxious about a practical aspect of the night rather than the conversations themselves, the Ditch or Date FAQs may answer it before you go.

The Simplest Speed Dating Tip: Be Curious

You can prepare questions, choose an outfit carefully and remind yourself to make eye contact, but none of those things replaces genuine curiosity. Instead of spending each conversation wondering how you are coming across, listen for something you would actually like to know more about. Ask the follow-up, share something real and, when the conversation ends, decide whether you would like another one.

That is a far more useful approach to speed dating than trying to discover a trick that guarantees a particular outcome.

Ready to Try Speed Dating?

If you have been thinking about going to an event, preparing properly can make the prospect feel much less intimidating. You can browse current speed dating events or explore Ditch or Date locations to find an event that suits you.

Then concentrate on the part that no guide can do for you: turn up, meet people and see who you would genuinely like to know better.